That Green Light I Want It
We all chase that feeling. That euphoric high when you meet someone you think could be your soul mate. It doesn’t happen to all of us and I truly never thought it would happen to me with my history of men. But it did. I met someone who finally just got me and I could talk to for hours on end and not get bored. Someone who I thought about first thing in the morning and was the last thing on my mind at night. Someone who my friends referred to as a tingly boy as they watched me gush about him constantly. It’s sickening and I never had felt like this before. Like don’t get me wrong, I had really liked guys before but I had never felt like this. I had fallen in love with him and that truly scared me. The only downside was that it was a long distance relationship so my time with him was always limited and had to be planned ahead but when we were together it was incredible. Speaking to him every day with our long multiple hour phone calls and FaceTime chats slightly made up for it.
But as my luck would have it, it wasn’t meant to be. Here I was on the other side of the world, 11 623 km away from him compared to the usual 1335 km when he decided that it was the perfect timing to break up with me. It was my first day in Los Angeles on a 2 and a half week trip and I was already feeling overwhelmed and exhausted after being awake for over 24 hours. For what was meant to be a cute little phone chat to help me relax turned into a very awkward and painful one where he told me that he didn’t think it was going to work anymore. His excuse was that the long distance was becoming too much and it wasn’t fair on us which was a valid excuse but the timing just felt off. So there I was in the side streets of Hollywood crying trying to figure of what actually happened because it just came out of nowhere and I truly felt lost. It was a strange deja vu moment I didn’t want to relive because this time a year ago I was in LA crying over breaking my leg on the streets of West Hollywood and this time I was crying over a broken heart. Ironic isn’t it. I just wanted to give up, go home and lay in bed for the next two weeks, forget the flights I had booked to go see him and all the plans we made but I couldn’t. I was laying in my hostel silently crying and trying to make sense of it all. And do you know how hard it is to silently cry in a room full of people unnoticed? Fucking difficult. For the next couple of days I was putting on a brave face when I went out in public, faking a smile and trying to live in the moment but as soon as I was alone in the shower, sitting on a flight or laying in bed I broke down. I was so confused and upset because I didn’t just lose my boyfriend but I felt like I lost a best friend. It was radio silence from him and I quickly figured out he wasn’t going to have much contact with me from now on. Luckily I headed to New York to meet up with my two best friends for a week where I was able to talk to someone, cry, let it out and have a good distraction.
But where do I go from here? I still think about him every day and I go to message or snapchat him something and I remember I can’t. Break ups are so strange and because this was my first relationship I had never been on the receiving end of one. I’ve always been the friend who gives the advice but when the roles are reversed and I have to try take my own advice that’s where things get interesting. I question am I going to find that connection again? Am I going to feel that same way ever again? I’ve never met someone who could make me that instantly happy or calm and it was a nice change. I’m always on a crazy schedule where I’m thinking about the next thing and it was nice for once to just live in the moment. It comes at no shock that I live on my phone and it’s hard to get me off it but when I was with him it was as if no one else existed. And I know how cheesy that sounds because trust me I am gagging writing this but it’s honestly how I felt.
Having the break up happen while I was overseas was a blessing and a curse. I’m a severe over thinker so I’m glad I wasn’t just at home crying in my bed and not moving for days but then on the other hand I was in another country alone for half the time and embarrassingly crying on planes as well as in hotel and hostel rooms. But I had so many amazing distractions and experiences to try keep him off my mind and I was very lucky to have some amazing friends in America who helped me do this. From dancing in carparks of diners to hysterically laughing about god knows what in Ubers I started feeling like me again.
You always hear about there being one person who is more invested in the relationship and someone who is more sentimental about it when it ends and I can proudly say that person was me. I lived, I loved and I lost. I’m so grateful that I got to feel the way that he made me feel and I got to fall in love because I doubted if I ever would. And yes maybe it was short lived but it was a perfect moment in time that I will never forget and we apparently just weren’t meant to end up together for the long haul. He may be able to quickly move on and not think about me everyday but I don’t think there is anything wrong with not being able to do that. People always look down on people who struggle with a break up and still hold onto memories and moments but I think we forget of the beautiful humanisation of it all. We are so lucky we get to experience these emotions and moments and to just treat them like nothing would be cruel. My ex is not an asshole, I don’t hate him. We sadly just didn’t work out because of distance and timing. That’s what makes it slightly harder because I don’t have a valid reason to hate him except maybe for his poor choice of timing in breaking up with me but in the end it makes me a stronger person and I have yet again learned and adapted from the situation.
I’m not sure if I will feel the exact way he made me feel again or how long its going to take for me to be open to dating again and that scares me. I’ve always had a giant guard up when it comes to guys and I’ve always cut it off before its got close to being offical because I am picky. I don’t want to date someone if I don’t see a long term relationship evolving from it or if I don’t think I could fall in love and this was the first time all of those things felt right. I just want to know that I’m going to be okay and that it’s okay for me to move on. But for now I’m just going to chase that green light, I want it.